You
No, Im not referring to you, the reader. I'm referring to you, the person who broke my heart.
I woke up in a rlly bad mood, and cried again out of the blue. I know something wasnt right, so I had to write it out. Here are some journal excerpts written about YOU.
"i lied about something
its been going on for longer than i thought
i questioned it last year for about a week, and even after i let go of the rejection, you still showed up in my mind
and i hate you for making me feel this way. but i blame myself even more"
"I miss you
i miss you
i miss you
and i know you'll never say those words to me
i wrap myself in feelings i never wished for when i first met you
Id cry myself to sleep, grieving the broken wishes and friendship we've built throughout those years.
Losing you, someone i looked up to, to feelings i never wanted. That you never accepted. i hate thinking of you, but youre the closest thing i had to something real."
"I cried about you last night. Longer, louder, harder, all for you. I now i have proof on which heart you broke. mine.
I know how foolish it is to long for you who wont see me the same way. All i could do now is hope you will come back with a better heart.
I dont deserve that kindness, do i? the one that you gave so freely to anyone. I wish it all ended one year ago, when my feelings werent this deep and the infatuation only lasted one week."
I apologize for being too sappy and shit. It's just been a while since i liked someone this much. To be honest, it feels worse than the heartbreak i had before since I'm now in my early 20s.
Family expectations, especially large family gatherings, dont make it any better. It's even worse when you're asian. Sometimes it feels like your worth is defined by who you end up with, and older people are rushing to make it happen faster than you want it to.
Goddammit. I think this too much. I dont know if it's safe to vent on blogs like these since other people can see it. But I know too well that venting on social media wont help either.
Guess it's fine as long as I'm not doxxing them.
Alright, thanks for reading. I hope sharing a bit of my personal struggles can help others even if its just a little.